I am on a first-name relationship with Guilt. We know each other well, have lunch several times a week, and chat before I go to sleep every night. Suffice to say, I look at most situations as an opportunity to call up my hateful friend Guilt so she can tell me how generally wrong I am as a person.
Part of the problem is this - I have a really, really, really sick sense of humor. The things I find very funny aren't the stuff of romantic comedies. Thanks to this smart and beautiful woman, I learned of this website, which I find far more intelligent and entertaining than this could ever hope to be.
So, in an instant messaging conversation the other day, I made an offhand snide comment to a friend about one of our coworkers. As soon as I said this comment, I felt the sharp elbow of Guilt in the base of my skull, accompanied by her hissing whisper in my ear saying "that one's going to cost you". Immediately, I began apologizing to my coworker for saying such a horrible thing, using this instance as an example of how I am unworthy for human contact and should be cast out of society, and that I am no better than another shared acquaintance (who could give lessons to this person). My friend advised me that there are drugs readily available that could help me come to grips with my dysfunctional relationship with guilt. I told her there was no help for me. Then she said something that was a salve to my spirit, and made me laugh so hard that I had a mild seizure:
"Yesterday, I almost backed over an old man in the grocery store parking lot. After I recovered from the shock and shame, I got really pissed at him for getting in my way."
I will treasure this for the rest of my life.