Friday, August 3, 2007

Feels like the first time...


Today is the first day of the rest of my blog.

Every day I compile my list of people, places, and things deserving of localized gravity failure...the experience of (without warning) zipping off into outer space. I didn't invent this term, but will take undue credit for it and pass it off as my own (thanks, Dad...you understand, right???). Negative? Maybe. Therapeutic? Youbetcha.

The corollary to this list is the group of people, places, and things, who and where and which, through no fault or responsibility of their own, experienced LGF - this is my tribute.

Today's List of Candidates for LGF:
1. Job candidates who labor under the mistaken impression that MY job is a giant probabilities game, and that my favorite part of all is when they call my office phone 35431654378453541 times within 15 minutes without leaving a voice mail. Persistence = good. Psycho dialing = bad.

2. My woefully inadequate printer cartridges - you tempt me with your promises of clearly printed documents, and reward my devotion by going dry when I need you most.

3. Condescending Pharmacy Clerk. I'm sorry that I get on your nerves, Condescending Pharmacy Clerk. I apologize for standing outside of my car in the EMPTY OTHER THAN ME drive through to insert my child back into the booster seat of his discontent. My regret at having my debit card ready to go and simultaneously handing it to you while fastening a seat belt is heartfelt. I am sorry that I ruined your day through my very existence, Condescending Pharmacy Clerk.

Gone but not Forgotten:
1. Ubiquitous Styrofoam Cups - There is a very good reason why, every single morning, I visit a certain establishment which will remain unnamed but rhymes with Phonic. From waking until approximately 6:30 p.m., I exist exclusively on diet coke with vanilla and nicotine. The paltry plastic cups offered by the more convenient and less expensive purveyors of diet coke simply do not suffice. The condensation on my hands, desk, and folders is unacceptable. The prematurely melted ice *cubes* ruin the satisfaction I seek from my lifeblood.

2. Toys in the Cereal Box - It's just not the same! What are we teaching our children? They are going to grow up thinking that your reward for finishing a project is a sugar rush and an empty box roughly the size of your torso. Wait...

3. Commercial Jingles Sung Harmoniously by Happy People - Somehow, it just made me feel better to know that somewhere, a freshly plumbed kitchen sink was bringing contentment to at least a quintet of people.

At least, that's what I think.

2 comments:

SLS said...

"Job candidates who labor under the mistaken impression that MY job is a giant probabilities game" -- frack that's funny, and unforunately, probably true.


Welcome to Blogville!

Bill and Sharon said...

Our daughter Katy,
She is one of the prizes in our cereal box of life. A beautiful,smart,funny and very talented person.
She is a great mom and daughter.
We are thankful to have her in our life.
We love you, Dad and Sharon